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I had to zoom out and take an audit of the time I was spending on a task and/or tasks that I wanted to accomplish, and really be honest about whether or not I was actually being productive. What I realized is that there wasn’t anything necessarily wrong with switching in and out of work mode. It’s more like I wasn’t honoring my “out of work” mode. I’ve never had a problem with working, (at least not working on my dreams) but I’ve always been very good about maintaining my routines, and recently I’ve come to realize that I haven’t had a proper routine. When I say routine, I mean those moments when you wake up earlier to have time to yourself in silence, spend your quiet time, etc, little did I realize how much I needed this time.

The last time I’d traveled to Chicago, I felt like I was on the edge of losing my ever-loving mind. I found myself frequently over-stimulated, desperately needing to sit in silence, crying unprovoked, and so on. This was odd to me because I LOVE Chicago and everyone that I get to do life with in Chicago. For the first time in all the times that I’d traveled I was beyond ready to come back home. I sat with that. When I got home, I found that the chaotic feeling didn’t exactly subside. Rather this turned into an absolute need to be alone. I had to unpack this emotion (as one does), and to make a long explanation short, this was a direct reflection of the chaos I was feeling within myself.

Prior to leaving and bleeding into when I was in Chicago, and for the week or two after I got back. I had lost my sense of routine and direction with myself. I wasn’t prioritizing quiet time. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was beyond burnout.

So here’s what I learned: I needed to go back to the drawing board. In any endeavour you begin someone will probably advise you to assess your “why” and this is so that on the hard days you have something deeply rooted that keeps you anchored to the bigger picture. This is the same concept I had to put into practice.

What am I working towards?

Why am I working towards it?

What does a successful day look/feel like to me?

When I imagine the dream version of me, what do her days look like? (my personal favorite)

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These are some of the questions I ask myself to bring me back from my spiral, or even when I’m feeling unmotivated.

I do want to take a quick moment to acknowledge that you are allowed to have a lazy day.

You are allowed to slow down.

You are allowed to say no to plans that drain you more than they would fill you.

You are allowed to BE. However, I would discourage you from letting that run too long.

I would challenge you to reflect, and reflect often.

Reflect more often than you speak to people.

I would challenge you to take that reflection and put it on paper.

Most importantly, talk to God about it. Like you would a friend, or better yet, a mentor, talk to God. Present Him your ideas. Present Him your frustrations. And most importantly, bring Him your worries.

There is a tension between something being beautiful, and fulfilling while also being exhausting.

People often glamorize the hustle. The hustle is necessary. Hard work is honorable. But that doesn’t negate the fact that it can also be hard.

Choose your hard. Remember the bigger picture. Set your non-negotiables. Spend time alone. Spend time with people who fill your cup. Spend time on hobbies that bring you joy (I need to work on this one too).

The most rewarding feeling as a creative, an entrepreneur, a business owner, etc is the personal development that comes with the process should you choose to do the work. The journey of becoming.

Becoming the version of you that knows the vision, and also knows how to fill their own cup.

The work is worth it, and it’s also challenging. This has been one of the toughest seasons of my life, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

So to the fellow creative, entrepreneur, business owner… I see you. I hear you. I’m right there with you. If the mission is on your heart, there’s a reason for it.

Assess, redirect, and keep going.

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That being said, this doesn’t mean that everyone is going to understand that. Frankly, sometimes even I don’t. Sometimes finding the balance is hard. The balance of working and being present. Knowing that it’s okay to say no. On both sides. Sometimes it takes waking up early, and getting in some time to yourself before breakfast with the family. Sometimes it means getting an article done on your road trip. And sometimes it means not touching your laptop at all and focusing on the people around you.

This season is teaching me that not everyone will get it. But that’s okay. I think the best part of this journey has been learning to really embrace when I am with my people, and also learning how to honor my time. Honor my time to rest, honor my time to work, and also honor the time I spend building and/or nurturing relationships.

So to the fellow dreamer, the fellow entrepreneur, the fellow creative. Do what you have to do, babe. Even if that means getting up an hour or two earlier than your family, and even if that means completely being offline for the day.

That being said, happy weekend you all. Happy Fourth of July. And it’s time for me to go have breakfast with my family too.

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An existential crisis that leads to asking yourself the question of whether what you’re doing is aligned with what you know are your giftings/callings and of course your purpose. This is assuming that you’ve already started unpacking this part of your journey, and if you haven’t, that’s okay… this might motivate you to start the journey of wonder. I say this assumingly because in reality we are all here for a purpose and have a mission. I don’t think that’s a fact that goes over anyone’s head to be honest. I think we are all in a constant state of wonder because that’s literally in our original design.

I’ve been on this journey for quite some time and I’d say I have a pretty clear vision of where I’m going or where I’d like to go, and yet still, every so often I experience this existential crisis I mentioned earlier.

I don’t have a big “aha” moment to share but instead I’m writing here in wonder of who can resonate? Is it perhaps good that we experience this “crash out” every so often? Maybe it’s something that in our own human way, gets us back on track.

When a child is in their “but why?” phase, parents often grow impatient with the questions, but there is something so beautiful about the curiosity that a child carries. The curiosity of how the world works and they, in their own little minds, are piecing together how and why things make sense. I think when we remain in a state of wonder, it challenges our minds to expand, and truthfully even pushes us to greater heights.

I’d challenge the “crash out” . I’d challenge you to give yourself grace and when you begin to revisit the state of frustration, I challenge you to sit with that. Take a good ol’ piece of paper and pen (or pencil if you’re into that) and start to unpack those thoughts. Where did the disconnect start? Where is it that you’re not feeling fulfilled? When you do this enough times, you’ll eventually come to a place where there aren’t many “drastic” changes anymore but rather small refinements that enhance alignment.

So from one wonderer to another, how are you unpacking this?

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In retrospect, I’m starting to see it as a little bit exciting. Exciting to know that the good and the bad are all a part of the journey.

It’s hard.

It can be lonely.

But it will always be worth it.

Worth it to know that you’re giving something your all. You’re putting your gifting and calling to work. But I want to note that just because you’re operating in your zone of genius, or walking in your calling doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy.

There’s always a storm before the rainbow, and in this case, with every trying season that you endure comes followed by a season of breakthrough.

So these past few weeks have been hard. I’ve battled uncertainty, I’ve felt alone, I feel like no one gets it. I feel like I want support but at the same time, don’t feel the need for it because I understand that not everyone will “get it.” I’ve wrestled with overwhelm. I’ve wrestled with irritation. I’ve wrestled with the feeling like I’m not doing enough, or that I’m not far enough along. I’ve wrestled with wanting to throw in the towel. Yet in the same breath, in this season, I’ve refined my business, I’ve refined my vision, I’ve refined my branding, I’ve refined everything.

This is what I needed to remember. This is where I was falling short, and the moment I decide to take any matter into my own hands, I will fall short in all my endeavors.

I am merely human, so it’s not always my first instinct to surrender to the Lord. I have a history of doing everything in my power first, and THEN asking the Lord to intervene. This has proven ineffective countless times.

So friend, I share this in hopes to affirm you that feeling inadequate is very human. Feeling like you’re about to pull your hair out is part of the game. However, the decision to keep all that pressure on you is not. The decision to feel like you need to carry the burden alone is not. Navigating calling and purpose is so fulfilling, but you can’t do any of that without the very one who created you.

So I want you to know that you’re not alone. I want you to know that your efforts are not in vain. The Lord honors a hard worker. But I encourage you to take the time to zoom out, and lean on Him, and find your rest in Him.

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I’m currently sitting in a coffee shop in the city of Chicago, and truly these are the moments that I thrive. Sitting in my solitude and just processing. Sitting here, I’m processing the way I feel about writing and what about it draws me in. Writing in a non-performative way. Writing in a way that merely documents, and if someone can resonate I’ll know that the Lord is using it. I’ve never seen myself attracted to anything like the career path of journalism, but I’ve always known that writing is where things just start to make sense to me. Sometimes things only begin to make sense when I put them into words, I feel like this is when I hear the Lord speak to me so clearly. I’d imagine because this is a moment where I’m fully silent, and I truly listen. Listening to my thoughts, thinking about the frustrations I’m enduring; I’ll even take a moment and ask God to make things plain to me, speak to me, reveal to me..boy does He ever. In a lot of my moments of writing I find myself in tears, in awe, laughing, or all of the above.

Writing is a form of stewardship for me. Stewarding the moment to come out of this constant state of hurry, to come out of this moment without worrying about stats, analytics, algorithms, and all the things that have slowly become my life (and yes, I love every minute of it), and that’s not to say that I don’t think about these things at all when I hit publish but what I am saying is that it’s not at the forefront of my sitting down, with classical music, and the stillness of my thoughts. A lot of things only become real after I write them. Like this moment of clarity as I process in real time. Some of my most trying moments and need for decision making have been processed through writing. I encourage seeking wise council, I encourage having community, and even mentorship. But I even more so encourage simply inviting the Lord into your space and get to putting your thoughts into words.

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So if in any way you can resonate with a form of expression that allows for your thoughts to simply make sense, and that the loud world around suddenly goes silent, and you can begin to hear the still, small whisper of the Lord in your heart, I encourage you to not look over that. I encourage you to take that and treat it with the reverence it deserves. Your words matter, and if that means writing them down and never sharing them, that’s great too. Like I said, a lot of my entries have ended up on this very Substack, but countless entries remain in the archives of my heart and a variation of a journaling app.

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I came to realize this when I had to stop and think about how I was constantly choosing hard. Like yes, sometimes I find that my life is more complicated than average, and to some degree I understand that in the inevitable “attacks” sense of the word, but as a daughter of The living King, I needed to understand my place. I needed to understand that while trials and tribulations would come this was not to say that I needed to constantly decide the harder route. In my deep emotional dives, I found that this was the pre-disposed thought that I needed to choose the “hard” route because somebody’s got to, right?? And if not me then who?? It came from a place of me thinking that I needed to take care of everyone.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting in this current chapter of life; evaluating who I am, who I want to become but more importantly, who I’m called to become. This has been my favorite and most challenging chapter of reflection, my friend. My favorite because in a lot of ways things are beginning to make sense, my dreams that were once simply a thought are becoming my reality, and things I doubted are becoming clear. I’m finding my people, and I am confident in what it is that I’m chasing. Challenging because this has caused me to become very honest with myself. The good, bad, and ugly. The ugly parts of my character, my attitude, and choices, all of it. And on that same token, God has also been teaching me a little something about surrender and submission. Surrendering my plan for His, and submitting to the Spirit. In this chapter of my life, I had to make a few big decisions . Decisions that ultimately came down to the simple question of I can either choose to humble myself and submit, or I can choose to just do the hard thing, suffer for a little bit, but surely it will straighten itself out.

I came to the end of myself in deciding that my nervous system genuinely needed a break. I needed a break from my chaos, I needed a break from trying to do everything myself.

I want to acknowledge that you may be reading this and say “well some of us don’t have a choice” and I agree, I also believe that there will always be times where you just have to do the dang thing and I am in no way taking away from that. What I am underlining here was a level of cockiness that I had to come down from. It wasn’t simply about not wanting to choose hard. It was a lesson of surrendering my own pride.

See, my addiction to chaos was rooted in pride. Pride in the way I felt I needed to be “that girl” I needed to be the one who just figured it out. I needed to be the one that got the fabulous reputation. I believe that I had to come to the end of myself so that God could teach me that if I wanted to dive deeper into him, I needed to be less consumed with myself.

This is still something I am navigating in real time, and honestly I think will always be something that I am refining and learning from, but I will say that when I decided to swallow my pride, surrender and take the seemingly “simpler” route, I saw and am still seeing the Lord’s hand move. Although I still have moments of wondering what it is that I’m doing, I rest assured that the Lord’s hand is on me, and He is guiding me through that.

After all, if you want the Lord’s hand in something, make sure yours aren’t in the way.

Seriously, things that I used to pretend was my life when I was younger, then as I got older I started to walk “as if” I was her – have now become my reality. I remember talking to God about these dreams, I remember processing with the Lord and journaling through a life I wanted to live. I remember listening to personal development videos, reading books talking about your potential. Consuming anything that would remind me that achieving these dreams and visions weren’t some crazy, unattainable goal. I remember processing with the Lord when I got flustered. I always leaned on “if God gave me the dream, He will see me through it.” Although I didn’t do this perfectly, I remained consistent at least in that I kept dreaming; kept digging.

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I want to share this, not to boast, but to encourage you to show up as the dream version of you.

Imagine what that looks like, take a moment to really lock it down. Take it to the Lord, talk to him about it, process it with Him. Allow Him to respond. Do you have peace in your heart about it? Or were your thoughts actually redirected?? This should be a fun, and exciting process.

Once you’ve put your finger on who that is and what she (or he) looks like, start to show up.

What does this version of you look and feel like? I don’t mean the trivial things. I mean how do they show up? What is that version of you’s habits? What time do you wake up? What are your non-negotiables? What are your daily disciplines? See, when you begin to walk out the habits of this dream version of you, before you know it you’ve become her (or him).

I want to write this to encourage you that the dreams in your heart are there for a reason. There is something in you, and most importantly…you were created for a purpose on purpose.

You would be doing yourself and this world a disservice by NOT becoming the dream version of yourself.

God took his time with you. He knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalms 139:13-16) for impact. What does that impact look like?

I want to encourage you that your dream version of you is hidden in your daily disciplines. Stop selling yourself short, and begin to show up in your fullest self.

The Lord will order your steps but you’ve got to start taking the steps. (Proverbs‬ ‭16‬:‭9)‬

If you fail along the way…AMAZING. You’re one step closer.

I’ll end with this. You are called on purpose. You are called FOR purpose.

Don’t depend on your understanding but lean into the God-sized dream.

Do your part and put in the leg work.

The Lord wants to partner with us for purpose. He wants to use you to do great things.

To create impact and most importantly, to share the Good News of Jesus.

It’s our very purpose.

When you’re feeling weary just remember:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬-‭6

Give your dreams to Him, picture what the dream version of you looks and behaves like, and get to stepping, babe.

I would say it started in my journey working in retail, a car dealership to be more specific. I went from actually loving my job and being excited to be there and happy to help, to still loving my job and being able to help but hating the sight of a customer. I mean, only when it was too early or near closing…which I guess you may say, that it makes sense then. I thought so too..until this very feeling or rather, resentment, started to bleed into my overall personality. This turned me into someone very cold, and truthfully kind of dark too. Dark in the sense of feeling like I didn’t “need’ anyone – to some degree. This didn’t include my immediate family. This took a toll on relationships romantic, platonic and familial alike. In 2019, I went through a break up that I fully believe the Lord used to begin the process of my growth. It was after this break up that I started to do a lot of reflecting. We had a great relationship, and we cared about one another a lot but we ultimately just found that it wasn’t working out. It was rough for me, but I’d say this was a cordial break up. You can imagine however, being that it was rough for me, I did a lot of introspective work and one of the things that I almost immediately knew I needed to change was my lack of emotion. This is where the journey began.

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This journey has been and is still very messy, as is any journey. Life is about constant evolution after all. Fast forward a few years, and now we’re in 2022. I’m well over that breakup, in a different relationship that had its own level of rockiness, and my parents just bought a home 2 hours away from where I was. I never thought anything of the distance because I was just happy for my parents after years of being unable to find a reasonable option within our county. Little did I realize that I was about to endure the pruning of a lifetime, a pruning that will begin the process of changing me and allow me to begin stepping into who and what God has called me to be. This story would be a little more long-winded than I would intend for this one article but it is a vital part of this very topic.

After plenty of months of ups and downs and navigating all the in-between’s, I was still playing the game of going to church and making a run for it. Until one day, I met the right person. I met my friend, who kindly introduced himself to me. This friend then introduced me to his sister and the rest was history…quite literally. See, my friend, Patience has the gift of making connections, which I didn’t know at the time, and to this day is a great blessing to my life. Patience, operating in her gift, introduced me to a plethora of people, but I also connected with her. In another outing we briefly mentioned the idea of co hosting a friendsgiving together and 6 weeks later there were over 40 people who I hadn’t even known yet, at my house.

This big group of beautiful people that I had the honor and privilege to know became some of my favorite people and to make a very long winded story short – this was only the beginning of what it looked like to start having friends that actually cared about me, but also were on the same mission. This was also when I had to learn to BE a friend too. This then stretched me. This began to sanctify me. Because when we have a godly community, people walking the same mission and having those that are willing to call you up and call you out, (Galatians 6:1) this allows space for the inevitable sanctification. We were never called to do life alone.

Never being meant to do life alone is a theme we see written throughout scripture.

To name a few:

Genesis 2:18

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Hebrews 10:24-25

Galatians 6:2

Proverbs 27:17

We are encouraged to live in community for a reason – because as iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend (Proverbs 27:17)

Needless to say, the thought of “I don’t need people” or the feeling of “I hate people” was coming from a place of my flesh. It was coming from a place that was a sign that I was clearly:

1. Not seeking God first

2. Trying to live in my own strength

3. Overall distant from the Lord

I’ve had to refrain from letting this become too long because there have been a lot of seasons of change on my journey of understanding the need for community, many lessons, many shifts, and many levels of sanctification. But I share this to share my heart and the “thus far” of where I am. I am now in a season where I so specifically felt God call me to a season of getting more intentional about community. To lean into serving in the local church, alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ, and even more specifically – to steward sisterhood in this season. I get to walk in this season where I’m watching my dreams unfold, and within that God has been very clear about the need for me to also have my community.

So I challenge you to allow yourself to get a little uncomfortable in order to find your people. After all, “if you want a village, you need to be a villager.”

As I was writing this out I started to highlight the moments that I am grateful for right now and it shifted me completely and stopped me in my tracks. Here’s a piece of what that looked like actually:

I rest assured that I am exactly where not only I need to be, but I am also very much where I WANT to be. You know ? Like I get to travel and I’m living my dream career as it’s unfolding. I look forward to the Lord allowing my husband to find me. But I also look forward to working in my field. Working while I wait. And working until the Lord sees fit.

As I wrote these words my emotions shifted. I went from feeling a little sad and maybe even defeated, to feeling encouraged.

In real time, I felt the encouragement from the Holy Spirit that kindly reminded me that my God is an on-time God. My God is working in and through me. Everything that I get to experience now are things that at some point were either a simple thought, or a fervent prayer.

I’m living a life that at one point was merely hypothetical and we’re only just getting started…

If my God has unraveled this very chapter for me, not when I asked specifically, but instead when I was better equipped to handle and steward it well, I can trust and believe that the same will be when the time comes for the meeting of my husband. In the meantime, I will continue to ask the Lord to prepare my heart, and to teach me how to pray for my husband. I will speak Jesus over my husband (whomever he is) and over my children. I will bless his journey, wherever he may be. I will ask the Lord to help me become the woman worth being at the side of one of His sons. This is now my fervent prayer, that I trust the Lord will unravel in His good and perfect timing.

I’ve written before on how the Holy Spirit convicted me about my “rushing the current season” and friend, if this is for you, I pray you hear my heart when I leave you with this…

Rather than get too caught up in what’s next, what are you being called to steward well in this season first?

The journey is constant, and a beautiful one at that.

The beauty and kindness of our Father and the art of becoming.

For context I am 28 years old, I love Jesus and I’ve always “known” that I probably shouldn’t stop what I’m doing or better yet, what I am assigned to, because I am not yet married (I wrote more on this in my last article “Closeness over Clarity” but I touch base so that you and I would be on the same page).

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Walking purposefully comes in different areas. Apart from refusing to establish anything with my given name (fun fact: this goes back to when I was thirteen—I guess you can say I’ve always known what I wanted), there is the element of refusing community. I always said “I’m a guy’s girl” or that all girl events weren’t “my thing.” Only recently is when I started to wonder if in fact, this is because there is a purpose in the way God designed women, and that being surrounded by like-minded women would actually fuel me, and help me become the woman God has called me to be. This is where I needed to heal. I realized that I started to put this idea, this longing before everything else so much so to the point where it was subconsciously draining me from my purpose. It wasn’t until I finally made a shift of fully deciding that it was time to start moving…furthermore, it was time to decide that even if I never did get married, how was I walking out my purpose? Because that’s the thing, marriage is purposeful, marriage is a ministry — but you are a being that is called to something or many things.

Marriage is not the goal.

When I finally decided to start looking at myself as a daughter, my perspective shifted. I was not merely designed to be a wife — being a wife would just be added to the list if and when the Lord says so. My perspective shifted, but so did the mission.

Pursuit of what it is I’m meant to do and who it is I’m meant to become in my singleness. Pursuit of the woman that I was going to become over time, the one that would continue to see the promises of her Father come to pass. All that later is beautiful but God is an intentional Father, and there is a reason I am in this season, at this point, at this age.

It’s not to say that I don’t still struggle with my feelings of loneliness. It’s not to say that I don’t get frustrated anymore. Yes, to all of that. Yes to being annoyed, yes to feeling “behind sometimes” – I am simply a human at the end of the day. But it’s a decision to no longer allow it to be a hindrance to my mission. If I want a man that is walking out his calling and submitting to the Lord’s will, why on earth would I be doing anything less than the same thing??

So in this season, I am finally choosing peace.

Finally choosing to step into what the Lord needs me to do.

Finally stepping into the place where I am consciously deciding to remember that my Father has created me for a specific purpose.

My husband finding me will come from the abundance and overflow of that process, but I am choosing to run my race, and run it well.

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I’m sure at some point you’ve heard the saying “God’s not a vending machine” and if you haven’t, now you have – a saying used to remind christians that you don’t put prayer requests in like a quarter and expect to get your choice of outcome. While I’ve always tried my best to not function this way, I will also tell you that I have, at the very least, subconsciously. Getting closer to the Lord, this looked different in different seasons. This can even look like looking at prayer as a strategy rather than an open line of communication with the very one who gave me the vision in the first place.

I was having a conversation with my sister, where I was telling her that having grown up in the church, I fear has almost put a hindrance on my faith. I say this because it’s almost as if I became too comfortable with the idea that God “will” or “He won’t.” This thought started to condition me to think that I didn’t need to present anything to Him, therefore I simply wasn’t talking to Him. The very common misconception of: “well, God already knows, so what’s the point? ” when scripture actually tells us the opposite:

“Then Jesus said, come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. (29) Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

Recently, I had been navigating a decision about someone I was interested in. Someone I care for, genuinely, but I was starting to feel that there were a lot of factors tearing me away from him. In some ways, a lot of ways, things were great. He’s kind, gentle, loving, and loves the Lord – and mostly, we have a history. Even so, there was a part of me that couldn’t shake that I really needed to walk away. I talked to my friend about it, and I shared with her that I’d been praying through it and he was still around, but I didn’t feel peace about it, but he was great. You can imagine my confusion. She shared something she felt on her heart: “sometimes God won’t do exactly what YOU want, but He will give you the discernment on whether you need to walk away.”

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I want to highlight this for a moment, in case there is a sister reading this navigating the same difficult decision. I want to encourage you by saying that God is kind. He is a good Father, and He is not a God of confusion. He will indeed be clear. He will bring clarity, but clarity in and of itself shouldn’t be what we’re ultimately “seeking.” Instead seek to please the heart of the Father.

If you’re not sure what that looks like, I encourage you to seek wise counsel. Surrender “it” anyway, and see what God tells you. Invite Him in and He will move.

However, I share this to share the importance of seeking a closeness even when clarity isn’t what you receive (right away). Other than a man, I’ve also experienced this want to control the matter in different areas of my life. I think this can also look like not knowing when to take the leap into the business plan, a leap into joining a small group, moving to a different state, moving BACK to where you came from….or walking away from that friendship.

The idea of gaining “clarity” comes from a place of control, and I’ll even venture to say that it comes from fear. When we seek clarity, (in the case of coming to a complete stop) it’s like we’re afraid to take the leap. When we walk in closeness with the Father, we begin to step into a place of confidence. Not cockiness, but rather a comfort of knowing that you know the heart of the Father well enough to know whether your next step will be something that pleases and glorifies Him, or if it’s actually not something He would want for you. When we seek that clarity, and operate from a place of control or fear, we’re operating from a place that doesn’t trust God and the plan He has, even worse… we’re not trusting the dream HE gave you.

There is power in proximity.

The same way that your circle impacts you – those you choose to be around you can impact the way you talk, the way you dress, and even the way you think… IMAGINE what can and will shift when you walk in proximity with the Father??

So, from a fellow naturally controlling girly, to a girly that may be experiencing the same, please hear my heart when I tell you that sometimes (most times) the answer you seek, will come when you simply draw near to the Father.

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For as far back as I can remember, I’ve desired to be a wife and a mother. I’ve never been one to desire a (corporate) career, I always knew that to some capacity, I would be working for myself(glory to God, because this is unfolding…more on that later), or that I’d be a stay at home wife and mother. Now, to be clear: I’m not yet married, nor yet have children. I don’t even have any prospects of marriage at the moment.

If you were to tell the 21 year old Bianca that we would be 28, unmarried, and not even have any prospects…she would’ve lost her ever-loving mind. The beauty of this, however, is I’m more at peace and feel more aligned than ever before.

I had a friend once tell me that I have my eyes peeled for engagements, because it seemed like I was always reporting them. Growth is in the fact that this is a happy report now, because there was a time that I was filled with bitterness and resentment for what felt like everyone around me getting what I wanted. It was even worse when there was the season where it seemed like a wave of my younger cousins, and kiddos I grew up with of similar ages were all getting engaged and married back to back. This sent me through an emotional loop that nearly took me out (emotionally and figuratively of course). It was landing a little too close to home and it was creating a feeling of desperation inside me. This is a dangerous place to be in.

When we get to a place of desperation, we also get to a place of settling. We get to a place where you’re truthfully just seeking companionship from anywhere. You just want…

Just want attention

Just want to flirt

Just want to text

Just want someone to talk to on the phone

Just want someone to check on you

And the list goes on

The danger here is that it’s a slippery slope. A slippery slope of compromise.

A slippery slope of seeking your validation in external factors. I would even go as far as saying that it’s a slippery slope of questioning your identity. If you’ve never wrestled with this level of loneliness, you may find that this is a stretch, and if so, then good for you. You should never put your worth in seeking a spouse – marriage is not the goal (Ephesians 5:22-33). Marriage is indeed a gift from the Lord, but so is singleness.

(cue the eye-roll..) Hear me out though. This is where the Holy Spirit had to check me…

I was sitting at my desk journaling one evening; journaling through these feelings, journaling through some hurt, and ultimately asking for the Lord to speak to me as I wrote. In that moment, plain as day, the Holy Spirit whispered to me:

I remember hearing these words in my heart, I was taken aback, and started bawling. I continued to type (I type this kind of journaling as they can be long winded) as the thoughts flooded in with this prompting.

The beautiful part of this moment was that by God’s grace, there was an immediate shift in my perspective.

There was a shift in the way I thought about my calling, my purpose and even thoughts about the business I’d been dreaming about and delaying.

I had been a victim of hitting a hard pause on my life. I purposefully didn’t want to continue to move anything forward until I got married.

I didn’t want to create anything with my maiden name.

I didn’t want to build anything with the excuse that I wanted to build everything with my husband.

This is where we circle back to the reason that singleness is a gift. As a single christian (and I say it this way because I believe men also wrestle with these thoughts), this is not something we want to hear by any means. This is something that seems so “christianese” — something you just tell the single christians to hold them over.

However, the truth is, this was the very essence of what that means. (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

I stated earlier that marriage isn’t the goal – sure, marriage is a gift but let’s not forget that the reason it is such: marriage is a ministry in and of itself. When you get married, that is now your FIRST ministry in fact.

If we have yet to become in our singleness, how then, can we become prepared for the ministry that is marriage?

For far too long I made marriage an idol – an idol is simply anything you’re putting before God. Mind you, I’d gone through this realization before, and I had decided to stop doing that, but it took more than that. It took this moment of conviction.

To put it simply, there is something or several things to be both accomplished and learned in this season. The season that you just have to be a child of God. Remember that God is always working, so imagine how he’s working on your behalf when you’re operating in a place of simply being obedient to the assignment of your current season.

The truth of the matter remains in that God created marriage (Genesis 2:18-24).

If God has placed a desire for marriage on your heart, take that back to Him. Ask Him to reveal to you what that means, or better yet… ask Him what you are supposed to do right NOW.

I share this as a reflection of what I’ve been learning and what I am currently walking through, and I pray this reaches who it needs to. Some days are rough. I’m still just a girl, and I’m merely a human. I get emotional, I get discouraged, and I sometimes get down right irritated. But this reflection is where I anchor myself and my heart. I anchor myself in the truth of His love, the truth of His purpose, and the truth that: God’s not in a hurry. God is intentional.

Over the last couple of months this has gotten significantly easier. I have finally stepped into a place where I am more content than ever.

By His grace, I am building my dream career. My calendar is more full than it has ever been, but I have never felt so aligned. I feel like I am right where I need to be with where God is taking me. That gives me a peace that surpasses understanding. Even when days get hard, I am walking in the truth that He is sovereign. When He places something on your heart, your job is to walk it out with Him.

I am 28 years old, turning 29, and I want to be married.

I want to have children.

I am also a daughter. A daughter of the King.

A daughter who is called for a purpose, on purpose.

I rest assured that if nothing else…He is enough.

I’ve never embraced singleness. If anything, the thought of singleness annoyed me. Hearing the newly married christian girl say “singleness is a gift” made me want to smack her…but when you take a step back to realize that the gift is the fact that you get to just BE right now, something changes.

I shall continue to pray for my future husband, and I shall continue to pray for the Lord to prepare my heart and mind for marriage. I pray that I will be a woman who loves His son well - because God isn’t only preparing him, He’s preparing me for Him too. God loves His son just as much as He loves His daughter.

I will continue to pray for my future children (that I will have, Lord willing).

I will continue to choose daily to follow Him and trust that He has me. I will choose to embrace the singleness, at last.

Then I stepped into my favorite era of me…the era where I began to romanticize my moments.

I guess you can say I’ve always had a way of doing this to some capacity (call it the lover girl in me 🏹), but there came a time that I was so overwhelmed with everything else going on around me that the one thing I could control was the way I chose to be present in my daily routines and habits. Needless to say I stuck to this and it has slowly evolved ever since.

We often read about or hear about how starting your day on your phone isn’t the best choice, and it basically sets you up for a day where you’re seeking a dopamine boost through your phone to some degree. Naturally, this was the first change I put into practice, along with wanting the morning exposure of sunlight to reset my circadian rhythm. This was easy because at this time we had just bought a house towards the central part of Florida, and hearing the birds chirping was a luxury that I didn’t know I craved.

(hearing the birds chirping in the morning is a Disney princess cliche for a reason…)

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Taking this pause allowed me to calm my nerves, even on days I was in a hurry because I had to get to my retail job, or the days where I had the opening shift at the daytime cafe. If you’ve read through any of my writings before, you’ll know that I am a follower of Jesus and have loved the Lord my whole life…but right at the beginning of stepping into this “romantic” era, I was navigating some hard transition and a lot of emotional baggage, as a result of choosing to do life my own way. I wasn’t leaning on Him for comfort but something shifted. I made a choice to stop the foolery and ask God to intervene. I say this to say that I didn’t find peace on my own. I found peace in my heavenly Father, decided to slow down, and the rest followed.

This has now been a journey of 4 years of ebbs and flows of growth and adjustment. I still look for romance in everything. I still plate my food as pretty as possible, I keep morning screen time little to none (not perfectly but for the most part), and most importantly, I make it a point to start my day speaking to God before I speak to others. Whether in person, or online. As a result to these shifts, I regulate my nervous system, I allow the Lord to take over any sight of crankiness that may have started, I invite the Lord into my day, I make the choice daily to follow Jesus to my best ability (even when I fall short), and this overall sets me up for a strong start.

Think about it like this, sure you can check everything off your list, check all the boxes, but how’s your heart? How’re your cortisol levels? How’s your nervous system?

What good is it to get everything done while you’re running on empty?

Here’s the hard truth… you’re no good to anyone if you’re not showing up as your full self. And you can’t be your full self if you never know who that is.

That’s the practical side of this conversation. But we all know that logic and reason isn’t what will keep us grounded – instead here’s some truth:

“Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” ‭‭John‬ ‭15‬:‭4‬-‭5‬

“You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭5

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Everything we do in life is for the sake of serving others – think about it… Whether you work for a company, work from home, run a business, or run a home, you are serving someone.

Own your morning, that doesn’t have to be a 12 step, 3 hour routine – unless that works for you, because as you should, queen.

If not, this can simply be taking a deep breath, thanking God for waking you up this morning, and maybe taking in some fresh morning air before getting your day started for work.

Conquering your morning is actually about surrender more than it is structure. Having a surrendered morning doesn’t mean you give it to everyone else, but rather you surrender your day in God’s hands.

Your morning is a sacred space. If you wake up, there is a purpose for the breath in your lungs (that alone should spark some joy in you, babe).

The day is a gift, and you are here for a purpose on purpose. Take the morning as the moment where you ground yourself in that truth, and remove the idea of letting the day run you, but rather you walk in it with intentionality and purpose.

This may take time, and the process is ever-evolving but that’s the beauty of it!

Here’s how I’ve recently designed my mornings:

• Wake up - no snooze - stretch simple, quiet prayers (more like a Thank you Jesus for a new day)

• Oral hygiene (probably one of my favorite steps)

• Fill my water bottle and take my supplements

• Sit at my desk for bible study and quiet time

• Morning Movement (likely a walk)

• Breakfast

• Get to work

The order sometimes varies when it comes to movement and breakfast depending on what we’re doing, and like I said, this does not always go as planned but to some degree, I try to get up to my bible study as consistently as possible.

Your routine will (and should) evolve with you, but don’t forget to make it cute, make it fun, and keep it intentional.

What do your mornings look like?! I love to learn from other’s routines!

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So here we are. And really I think reflecting on this moment is the very essence of my season right now and there’s more to that coming in a future post. But today, I want to process another part of this that I have personally found myself actively working through.

We live in a time where everyone is making haste of every moment, and therefore clouding their judgment, or worse, constantly feeling “left behind.” Constantly feeling like you have to seek or chase “the next big thing” rather than remaining faithful or patient with where you are(calling myself out here).

Now don’t get me wrong… there is something beautiful about being excited about what’s to come. I think there is beauty and purpose within it. When you’re looking forward to something , you’re inspired. Something is motivating you and well, you’re looking forward to something…but the problem lies where you start to desire the next step so badly, that you fail to learn the lesson in the place that you’re currently navigating. You fail to learn what the lesson is in the moment that you’re currently in.

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Our life is derived from several moments, several moments that become memories, or in this case, they become stepping stones that will mold you and ultimately, the goal would be to become what it is or who it is you were created to be. Now, a caveat to that would be to remember that you are meant to be here no matter what season.

The journey of ‘purpose’ is not a destination, but rather a constant act of becoming — a continual walk and journey that you are on. That being said, it’s easy to overlook the current place that you’re in. It’s easy to want to look ahead and get discouraged.

A few months ago, I was processing these very thoughts, the thoughts of me yearning for the what’s to come, beyond just wondering. I was starting to just become annoyed with where I was. This was a moment I was journaling (this is how the Lord speaks to me)…in this moment I became immediately convicted and the Holy Spirit pressed a message on my heart:

Where am I being disobedient in THIS season, because I’m waiting on the next?

This was a pivotal moment for me. This was the moment where I finally realized that my aspirations, and desires weren’t always the best thing for me. So I had to zoom out and take a look at where I was and what it was that God was calling me to be diligent about. What I had to take a look at and think differently about.

Along with this, I also want to share that I don’t always know. I don’t always know when it’s time to move, or when it’s time to stay put. As a matter of fact this is one of my biggest frustrations as a girl that loves the Lord and is just trying to do her best. I sometimes THINK God is telling me one thing and He in fact didn’t say anything of the sort. So if you’re someone who is wondering how you’re supposed to know, I hear you.

As I write this I have the song “Slower I Go” by SEU worship playing in my headphones, and a particular line in the song always hits me. Where she sings “it seems as though the slower I go, the faster I arrive.” — I make this connection because I think that this right here is the way to navigate the indecision. Move slowly, remove the haste, sit quietly and ask Him to speak to you. The Lord is not loud or boisterous. He comes as a still, small voice (1 Kings 19:11-13). And on the flip side, if we are moving in haste and constantly drowning in the noise of life we won’t hear Him. To that I add that seeking His presence and spending time in His word, therefore getting to know the heart of the Father, is how we will begin to recognize the call from the Shepard (John 10:27).

I don’t want to harbor too much on that because that’s not what we’re processing here, but it does in fact, coincide. Why? I had to realize that until I learned to hear His voice, I was going to continue living a life where I was prolonging His plan for me, and I was going to continue to be frustrated because I was constantly overwhelmed.

It’s somewhat trending to hear “God is a girl dad” and that’s cute but there was one particular video I saw of a girl breaking down the way God is with His daughters. Whenever God approaches one of His daughters, he does just that…he approaches them. He comes to them. This touched me. I needed to get serious about seeking my Father’s presence, and getting to know His voice.

I promise I will land this plane…stay with me.

To bring this together, we must first learn how to discern the voice of God. We must slow down. Learn to take everything in for where we are. We may have an itch to get in the driver’s seat and floor the gas pedal, but remember that God isn’t in a hurry…you are.

Sometimes the idea of up and going isn’t the best choice…when it is what God is calling you to do, you will feel the peace that surpasses understanding and you can rest assured. But if you are simply uncertain??? Perhaps this is a nudge to slow your role, and see where God has already been nudging you — chances are He’s already given you your answer but you’ve been moving too fast to realize.

Don’t confuse the need to slow down, with down right seeking familiarity and a comfort zone. Remember that if and when you are called, not walking in that is now operating in disobedience.

But also know that God is not a God of chaos. He is a God of order, and of peace. The peace you receive or the lack thereof will be telling to the direction that you’re supposed to take.

I am in a place where I am navigating so much change that it sometimes feel like I’m going a little stir crazy. This is why I chose to share my thoughts. As I mentioned, I am processing these feelings in real time and I can only hope and pray this finds who needs to.

I will leave you with a thought that I had to really get honest about, and that allowed me to shift my direction…

You don’t always have to choose “hard.”

You don’t get an extra gold star in life because you choose to take the road less traveled.

It’s okay to take the “calm” route, but never neglect the calling He has placed on your heart.

If you’re reading this you’re likely a creative, a writer yourself, an entrepreneur, a believer, or all of the above (whether you are or not, HEY FRIEND happy you’re here). No matter where you land in your reason for reading, I’m sure you’ve been a victim of comparison once or twice. I’m sure you’ve looked at others in the same or similar fields and wonder why you haven’t achieved your version of “success.” Well, babe…I’m right there with you. BUT have you ever noticed that this comparison feeling almost always creeps up in the times where we are in the middle of a transition season, or a planting season?

We don’t usually sit and compare our success when we feel that we are being validated for our efforts, but instead it haunts us in the moments where we feel like we’re being overlooked. We experience it in the moments where you feel that maybe you’re even doing a “better” job than some others, and how it isn’t fair. Well, needless to say I’ve also been a victim to this way of thinking. I had to take a step back and ask myself where it was stemming from, though. I had to ask myself what that said about my need for validation. Because the real question wasn’t a matter of “why them and not me” but instead, it was a question of which master am I serving?

I won’t sit here and give you a whole spiel on how success shouldn’t be a priority, because let’s be honest…even God knows we’ve gotta make a living, right? But the thing that I’ve had to and am still wrestling with is this: If I know that I am called or gifted in something, then it’s from God. And if I’m doing the work God has called me to do…then why am I comparing myself to others? The truth of the matter is that I had to reevaluate not only my heart but also my work ethic.

Work Ethic

I’ve always been someone that is wired to work hard, wired to set my mind to something. Taking the Working Genius model assessment, I learned that tenacity is actually a zone of genius for me, when I actually in fact thought the opposite. See, I’ve always been a ‘hard worker” but I used to (and still do sometimes) get on myself about my inability to stay on track or how I would get discouraged mid project and want to throw in the towel. What I learned is that I had to learn and understand what balance was in the respect of work. I needed to learn the time for work, and the time for leisure. I had to learn to set boundaries for when it was time to lollygag and time focus. I also had to learn when to start, and more importantly when to stop…because by setting those definitive times, it taught me to know when to hone into my work. This was an interesting discovery for me walking into entrepreneurship because I’ve always had an entrepreneurial spirit and way of thinking, but I’d never been able to walk in it entirely. Now that I was, I realized that this was also something that God was going to use to refine me.

I share this to say that I found that a lot of my frustration and comparing myself to others was because I was lacking. It was rooted in knowing that, truthfully, I wasn’t doing my part. I would give up when things got hard, I would allow distraction to intervene, I would lose traction as soon as I saw or felt resistance. I would say that my need to “compare” was actually coming as a form of deflecting. Instead of realizing that I was actually putting a lid on my abilities, and hindering my own success, I would just get upset that other people were leveling up and stepping into places that I’d been dreaming of. I was deflecting the fact that I was doing it all wrong. I want to also mention that this was very subconscious. I didn’t realize I was doing this until I sat back and analyzed myself.

In my subconscious I would see other people’s success while I was doom scrolling, or pushing off a task on my calendar just because I could, and then get discouraged when I saw someone getting an opportunity or hitting a milestone that I wanted, then get upset, then discouraged and stop, then the cycle would continue.

Heart Posture

Understanding and processing my own work ethic was the MY part. But how I postured my heart was being receptive to HIS part. God makes no mistakes, and His timing is perfect. Realizing that I need to steward the assignment well was important, because God will always show up. So if He gave me the vision, and the assignment, it was going to happen but not without me doing the leg work. I had to learn to show up, with a heart that trusted my Father. Trusting Him to be the one to take care of me and give me the strength to keep going even WHEN I come across some resistance. Rather than throwing in the towel.

Seeking validation from the one that gave you the dream…

When you have a regular job, your boss will assign a task, and it’s your job to get it done within a timely fashion, right? So why is it that when God assigns you to a season of life, a project, a mission, we think it’s okay to do it when we please and be lenient about it??? → calling myself out here

Realistically we have no right to be upset when we’re not where we “want” to be, if we’re too busy looking at others and forget to keep our head where it needs to be.

So if you’re someone who is struggling with comparison too, then maybe it’s time for a life audit.

Where is your head supposed to be?

Are you showing up as your best self?

Are you treating this area with the reverence it deserves?

Are you stewarding your time well?

The good news is that there is grace, however, grace is not to be abused. The vision is in your heart, and God makes no mistakes, so guess what??

You. Are. More. Than. Capable. But not without Him.

If you’ve ever gone through a season of wanting to put on muscle, you’ve likely—and hopefully—done some research to do so effectively. The process is fairly simple in theory: you engage in resistance training, placing your muscles under tension that creates microscopic tears within the muscle fibers. These tiny disruptions signal the body to begin repair.

Protein—specifically the amino acids it provides—steps in to repair and rebuild the damaged fibers. Over time, those fibers grow back thicker and stronger, resulting in increased muscle size. The final, and often overlooked, step is proper rest and recovery, where the actual growth takes place.

What’s beautiful about this process is that it all begins with tension. Muscle must first be challenged—broken down, in a sense—in order to be rebuilt into something stronger than before.

I often compare this discipline to that of personal growth. In order to achieve anything we must first understand that there is a specific amount of pressure we have to endure but without this pressure the growth can’t happen. As a creative, an entrepreneur, spouse, parent, etc, we hear this a lot, but I think what we don’t talk about enough is the work that needs to be done in the midst.

The work, but also the refining, the pruning.

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I’ve recently stepped into this season of being a full time entrepreneur and I’ve unpacked a new level of a need to surrender to God and His plan, but also what it looks like for me to seek Him and to allow Him to use me.

In this time, I’ve felt the most fulfillment I’ve ever experienced, the most…joy. Generally, I am extremely at peace with this time, however, I will say that it hasn’t been easy, BUT if God hadn’t prepared my heart for this time, who knows how I would’ve dealt with it all. I went from the sunshine state to moving to the northeast walking right into the winter time – which I don’t recommend, haha wait for the spring maybe – nonetheless, I fully believe even my timing was intentionally done by God.

When I moved, I rest assured in the fact that I felt peace about it, and it has been so fruitful, which confirms that God’s hand has never come off me. I emphasize this to say that God had to prepare my heart for the amount of uncertainty I was about to face. This was the time where I was going to be humbled, refined, and pruned…just as I mentioned earlier.

I also want to take a moment to preface that I have not in any way been diligent about much of any discipline…not in my routine, not in my habits, bible time, prayer, workouts, nothing. And I say that to say that just because I lacked order in that way, God’s grace is still abundant. I make the daily choice to surrender to Him and follow Him. This by no means is to say that I have ever executed my walk “perfectly.”

All that being said, I have also encountered a lot of facing rejection and loneliness, but if I’m being honest, I knew that was going to come with the territory.

BUT this isn’t to write another post about my journey, my surrender. This is a post that I want to underline how in the midst of becoming, remember that God is always working.

This is to serve as a reminder that we will be placed in times of tension, we will be broken down and built back up stronger. We will endure moments of needing to rest in Him and to surrender to a plan that we may not understand. Understand that God does not operate on our timeline. Rest assured that He is a good Father who will prune but it is because He is making you better; carving the parts of you that no longer serve you so that He can build the parts that will catapult you forward in your purpose.

You’re here on purpose. That dream in your heart? On purpose. The dreams we have are there and intentionally placed, but God must mold you into the version of you that will steward it well. He is so patient, He will walk you through whatever it takes.

The journey of becoming is beautiful, but it’s never to say that it will always be simple. It is joyous when you walk with the Father because your peace and fulfillment is in knowing that He has you. The joy of the Lord is your strength (Nehemiah 8:10) however, nothing worth having comes easy. The journey of becoming builds patience, kindness, stewardship, and humility.

So the next time you’re feeling discouraged in the waiting process, or in the transitional phase, sit back and analyze where it might be that you’re being refined.

With love, until next time friends!

XOXO

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I moved (back) to NYC a few months ago(I was born here, raised in South FL). Leaving my immediate family household, and if there is anything that I’ve taken away during this time is that God is walking with me. In this time, I’m learning a whole NEW level of what it looks like to trust Him. Change and growth can be exciting but very much so scary… I just started my digital marketing agency and boy oh boy…. So here’s me unpacking the walk and journey as a creative who loves Jesus and really just trying to figure this out.

When I moved, I knew this was a dream. This was something I’ve always wanted, and I was also starting to see everything unfold before my eyes. Everything was falling into place. I secured 2 clients. My flight was inexpensive, my parents were supporting me and everyone around me was speaking life into me and honestly even reaffirming me on my decision. Great. So this was my clear sign of a green light.

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The thing is this was the first time that I was MOVING to a place that for me was once a vacation, so I didn’t realize how much of a “glamorized” way I was looking at this. I’d never moved out as an adult until this point so there was a lot of unfamiliar territory that I was walking into. I was also going into the first season of fully working for myself, in a new state, and again…enduring the toll entrepreneurship can take especially not having a “cushion.” Gratefully, my parents along with my family members in NY made the move simpler, with the support, moving in with family, etc. So you’re probably wondering what the big deal was then…

Well, stepping into a season where trusting God on a different level of surrender was also new for me. I talked more about this in my post about “Yielding” but in a nut shell, I learned for a fact that God prepared and equipped me mentally and spiritually for this time. Because I’ve had to lean into the Lord differently, I’ve had to learn what it looks like to not know what’s going to happen next, give it to Him and be okay with it. I had to learn what it meant to truly relinquish control and trust my provider.

Sounds simple right? But let’s go back to where I mentioned that God definitely prepared me for this season. God is intentional with His children, and just like a parents wouldn’t prematurely allow their child to venture off into a new endeavour without the trust to know that they’ve equipped and empowered them, God is also not reckless and will do the same for His children.

It took me a while to process this and realize this, because I did go through a time where I also got a little too boastful (unknowingly) about my walk and found myself back tracking in my seeking the Lord, and my habits that allowed me to draw near to Him. Little by little, I found myself getting distant from the Lord and thankfully, it didn’t last too long. Thankfully this was when I had a community around me that was willing to call that out of me(more on that in another conversation). Therefore, I also had a friend who called me out on the “confidence” I carried in, probably not “compromising” on my values. I brought that to the Lord, repented, and never again. I say this to say that we will never be capable of “good” on our own, that’s why we needed Jesus to save us. So it’s important to realize that the decision is made daily. Pick up, and follow Him. – “Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me.”‭‭Luke‬ ‭9‬:‭23

What I needed to learn in this time was that days will be hard, I was going to “mess up”, I am incapable of perfection. So WHEN I messed up, would I bring it to the Lord, or will I allow it to distance me from my Father?

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When I say God was preparing me, I am in no way alluding to the idea that I’ve “figured it all out” or that I wouldn’t encounter the hard moments. I am saying however, I’ve stepped into a new level of understanding my INABILITY to “have it all together.” I had to learn how incapable I am, in order to be capable of more. This took and takes surrender like I’ve never surrendered before.

This is an ongoing journey that I am still navigating and walking through. This is only the beginning. Like I said, I just got here 3 months ago tomorrow(the 21st), and everything I’ve already wrestled with and am currently wrestling with only excites me for what’s to come.

I can honestly say that I rest assured in the fact that there’s beauty in the uncertainty when you’re leaving it in the hands of a good Father. There’s beauty in knowing that in whatever journey it may be, your story is written.

Continue to seek Him

Continue to ask Him

Continue to get to know His voice

Draw near, surrender the unknown, steward what He has given you AND don’t forget to put in the work.

With love, until next time friends!

XOXO

Being a dreamer is easy.

The hard part is the work that no one wants to talk about. The part that you’ll likely never get recognition for. The part that people don’t see. The moments that you want to cry out of frustration, the moments where you want to quit. The moments where you think that maybe the whole “dream” thing isn’t really worth it. The moments that you keep in your quiet place. The ones that you keep between you and God.

THOSE are the hard parts, but these are also the most pivotal moments. These are the moments that strengthen your endurance, the moments that strengthen your faith and teach you to become unshakeable. The thing is…nothing worth having comes easy, and when God gives you a dream this isn’t to say that he’s expecting you to pursue the dream without Him.

If your dream doesn’t scare you a little bit, you’re too content with the belief that you can do it on your own.

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Scripture tells us: “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37‬:‭4 – so if the word of God tells us this, what makes us think and believe that God wouldn’t do just that??

Much like a relationship a parent would have with their child, the closer they are the better the parent gets to know the child. A parent who knows their child, will likely be able to tell anyone what the preferences are of their child. This child would also begin to learn the parent’s expectations. This relationship is much like the one we can hope to build with God. One that knows that He has us, He will provide, and that our desires will align with the will He has for our lives.

The work that is necessary isn’t just the late nights, it’s not just in the creative blocks. It’s also in the moments of consecration, it’s in The quiet place. I’d venture to say that these moments are THE most important moments in the journey.

I share this because, this for me, is something that isn’t always something that comes easily, but in my weary moments I take the confusion back to truth and take a deep breath.

If He gave you the vision, He will see you through it.

If you’re feeling weary in your work, dream, or vision…here are a few pieces of truth:

• “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians‬ ‭3‬:‭23‬-‭24‬ ‭NIV‬

• “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭16‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

• “Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians‬ ‭15‬:‭58‬ ‭NIV‬‬

The doubt will come, the frustration will be frequent.

Remain rooted in truth, and know that the work that “doesn’t get applauded” will often be the work that is necessary.

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See, as one gets older, you’re kind of forced to figure that part out regardless (unless you simply don’t care about people), but when you’re living a life where you aim to represent Christ, and love like Christ…it’s best you don’t walk around trying to be the boss of everyone. Instead you learn to be a leader from Jesus’ example…you learn to yield. Jesus being Jesus still yielded to the voice of His Father. Jesus washed the feet of His disciples. Jesus sat and listened. Jesus taught, and while He was direct, He taught with love. Jesus came to serve. “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”‭‭ Mark‬ ‭10‬:‭45‬

It’s important to understand this level of humility to understand this very topic of faith, and lack thereof, when we want to be in control.

This season of my life I’m taking risk after risk. This season of my life I’m pursuing this dream, a dream of running my own business, and a dream of content creation - digital marketing, creative direction and everything of the sorts. One thing I am certain of is that God gave me this dream. It all made sense and continues to make sense as I move. However, in this season, I’ve been discovering that while this was certainly a dream God gave me, that was never to say that I could even remotely begin to move forward without first surrendering this “dream” back to God.

I used to confuse faith with control…and I’ll be transparent and let you know that this is still a battle here and there. I tend to get lost in the fine line between the two. I’d wrestle with this idea that I needed to have everything absolutely planned because God ordains structure and the idea that I need to let God do. What I had to learn was that these two thoughts can indeed, and NEED to co-exist.

We need to:

1. Pray for the plan

2. Create the game plan – think “Okay, God..this is what I’m thinking”

3. Bring it right back to God and wait for the peace in your heart

4. Once you have peace about it – “okay Lord, let’s do this, but I need you to go before me”

5. Get to work

The overall thing here is to invite Him into every step of your process. It won’t always feel clear, but you can rest assured that God so kindly will do what He needs to do. Whether that is success in your plan, or a closed door, remember that He will take control.

I wanted to share these thoughts, because I believe any entrepreneurship journey can be tricky, and as Christian’s it can become all the more tricky because we’re usually conditioned to only consider “God’s plan” but not want to or know how to put in our own leg work. I share this because this is something I personally struggle with to this day. So stepping into this new year, the first official year of my full time entrepreneurial pursuits, I wanted to move differently.

I start my work, no matter what time, by inviting the Lord into my space.

I ask Him to give me the ideas, the concepts, the words, all of it.

And no, this isn’t always well done…sometimes I jump right into work…but you’ll notice the need to pause and surrender when the anxiety and frustration starts to kick in (it’s like a beautiful wake up call, right?).

Yielding feels risky…but yielding to the Father, the very one who has placed your dreams and desires in your heart, is the best way to know that your “plans” will either come to pass or be purposefully redirected.

This journey can be scary, but isn’t it beautiful? Beautiful to know that you don’t have to do it alone, NOR were you expected to??

Navigating that in between, the confusing part, the transitions, feeling stuck…that’s the part that we’d say builds “grit” and yes, it does…but more importantly, this exercises your faith.

Give your God-sized dream back to God.

(and don’t forget to put in the work!)